The DIS–EASES in my life!

The title alone has me in my feelings because I have most definitely been struggling with some DIS-EASES!!!! We all have them whether we choose to admit it or not!!! Big or small, there’s always that one “THORN IN OUR SIDE” that requires us to devote a lot of time and attention to, because if not….the DIS- EASE will continue to spread!

One of the DIS-EASES that I recently got over about 2 in a half years ago was my LOW- SELF-ESTEEM!!!!! Now I’m sure many of you are reading what I just wrote, and saying…NOT HER!!!??

YES ME!!!! That beautiful, smart, intelligent, caring, outspoken, vibrant personality, Spicy….YES ME!!!!

It all started several years ago when I was in High School at about 15 years old, the guy who I was dating at the time, I had known him since I was in the 6th grade in elementary school. Over the years we developed an on and off relationship! Growing up, I was always a chubby girl as I would call it, I was given the nickname “Big Red”.

Without thinking twice about it at first, the guy that I was dating would make fun of my arms, and legs all the time. He would seriously, talk about how allegedly “Big” my arms were. Unconsciously, thinking that it would take a “Long Term” effect on me….I started to become SELF-CONSCIOUS about my body. I wouldn’t wear shorts, hardly ever showed my legs, always wore something to cover up my arms, wore black all the time to cover up my shape. YOU NAME IT…I DID IT TO “HIDE” WHO I REALLY WAS!!!

THIS IS HOW I ACTUALLY LOOKED DURING THAT TIME…..

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….Here’s a picture of how I looked after High School…..

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Because I viewed myself as FAT…I had no idea how small I was after I graduated High School. I can honestly say, I had NO CLUE. That’s how detached I was from my own reality.

…. I realized how beautiful I was. I’m not writing this post to BASH the guy I was dating, I became mad at myself for allowing my perception of myself be so low that I would allow someone to belittle me in such a way. From the age of 15….to the age of 23 I struggled severely!!!! Allll those years had passed and I was still stuck in the same place my EX had left me in….and I struggled SILENTLY!!!!

My silent struggle ended at the age 18 when my God Mother started to become an active role in my life. This God fearing, church going, Jesus loving woman that I called nanny saw much more in me than just the need to have a “God-Mother” “God-Daughter” relationship!!!! She was the FIRST person to call out my insecurities…everything that I tried to hide behind my smile, was exposed EVERY TIME she and I met. After being in denial for the 100th time…I finally confessed EVERYTHING that I was experiencing on the inside of me. As if she didn’t already know…she was just waiting for me to be honest about this obvious DIS-EASE in my life!!!!

After going to church several times after I confessed…the Lord introduced me to my all time favorite scripture, PROVERBS 4:23″Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life!”

It was in that moment I realized that I had failed to do something in that relationship with a guy who belittled me….I failed to Guard my Heart. Well….truth it! I was never taught how to! However, after the age 18, my silent struggle became exposed…I spent the next few years STILL COVERING UP

I hadn’t realized how DEEP I let this go, I was so scorned mentally, that I had this perception that everyone else would JUDGE me too. I had this assumption that if I hadn’t covered up my arms, someone else might view me how my EX did. So, naturally my legs became a part of the covering up too, I couldn’t stand looking at my legs. I had a feeling of disgust about myself, and it was completely UNATTRACTIVE and ALARMING. My God-Mother, and God-Sister spent those next few years trying to wholeheartedly convince me that I was worthy, that I was beautiful that NOTHING was wrong with me. I saw myself as FAT…from the age of 15-23!

PIC OF ME in my 20’s…

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Now that my eyes are COMPLETELY OPEN… I can see me for who I REALLY AM!!!

FINALLY, through forcing myself out of this shell that I had convinced myself was ok…I exhaled and went for it. Through prayer, and a whole lot of Faith that God would deliver me…. I wore my shorts, I wore short sleeved shirts, I slowly but surely gained my confidence back and I started to view myself as I was always supposed to!!!! AS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!

I am proud to say that I am no longer insecure about who I AM. How I view myself is extremely important, and I will not allow anyone to EVER belittle me into thinking I am less than BEAUTIFUL!!!! & YOU shouldn’t Either:)

A man doesn’t have to put his hands on you to be classified as “Abusive”. You can be verbally abused and it has the same effect on you as a woman who has been physically abused. The difference is that our scars aren’t visible. We hide them behind our smiles, the way we walk, the way we talk, every fiber of our being attempts to hide the scars on the inside of us. All the hiding does is dig us into a deeper hole, and it keeps us in bondage!!! “Out of sight, out of mind”… is what we keep telling ourselves! But is it REALLY out of sight? Or have we gotten comfortable with our “invisible scars?”

There comes a time when we’ve pretended long enough, cried SILENT tears long enough, felt unworthy long enough….at some point we must face those DIS-EASES in our lives!!!!

HOW. ABOUT. NOW??

I wasn’t going to get healed until I confessed that I had a major self-esteem issue. Start by confessing to yourself or someone you feel comfortable with. Everyday you must work towards peeling the layers of verbal abuse off of you. I MADE myself wear shorts to show my legs, I MADE myself uncover my arms….I was uncomfortable doing it, but I had to start somewhere. I was tired of being STUCK in the same place he left me. Everyday it started to feel like the Lord as slowly digging my SELF-ESTEEM back up from underground.

The more I started to do it, the easier it started to become…I could feel my confidence start to come back. Crazy part is…throughout the ENTIRE TIME I has Low-Self-Esteem…guys would try to talk to me almost EVERYDAY. I would think to myself, “What do he see in me?”….(Yes! It was THAT bad). However, that chapter in my life is closed now, NEVER to return. This blog is nothing more than a platform to share my story in the hopes that someone will receive what I’m saying in order to help them come out!

Prayer:::

Father God, thank you for exposing those hidden parts within us that seeks to pollute who we are as human beings. Give is the discernment to recognize when someone is in our lives to destroy us rather than build us up! Continue to make us SECURE in who we are, and build up the courage within us to tear down any walls the the enemy seeks to build within us. Give us the power to overcome those feelings of unworthiness, and help us to see ourselves the way you see us God; special, worthy, beautiful!!!!!!

In Jesus Name, Amen.

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